Several months ago I told my therapist that a guy I’d liked and seen from OkCupid “wouldn’t have worked out anyway,” because he was a Scorpio — which is completely wrong for a Sag. (Duh! I’d married a Scorpio. Didn’t need to make that mistake again!)
I haven’t always believed in astrology. But during the course of my life I’ve come to think that maybe there’s something to be said for the gravitational pulls of the planets and our geographic location(s) during gestation, combined with our unique DNA, that affect us throughout our lives. I don’t think these things predict our future — we get to decide, individually, how we act and process things. (Our own actions are on us. My actions are on me.) But maybe these gravitational pulls of the stars, planets, etc. affect our moods and our capacities to respond to overarching, general stimuli that we are likely to encounter in a given month. Or year. (Based on other people’s reaction to their own gravitational pulls and DNA, etc.) And maybe there are certain people who are naturally, biologically, going to be more compatible with us — people who are going to be “better” for us — based on the alignment of the stars on the day they were born.
So I totally didn’t need to have a(nother) Scorpio in my life.
My therapist suggested that maybe I was using astrology as an excuse to help me put up walls, to keep people out. He cautioned that I could wind up keeping the “right” person out, too.
Since then, I’ve pondered my therapist’s words, and I think he was on to something. I don’t think I’ve kept “the right person” out — I don’t think I’ve met anyone who could remotely be “the right person.” But I do think I’ve been putting up a lot of walls (my Rules, my RFQ, etc.), including using astrology as a way to keep people “out.” Thing is, I’ve been deeply hurt (hence, why I see a therapist), and I think I’ve been grasping at anything that hints at being able to protect me from being hurt like that again. I mean, what if it were possible to predict a way to pick someone who not only wouldn’t completely devastate me, but would actually be The One? Wouldn’t anyone want to be able to find a way to predict that? Or at least predict a way to avoid pain?
So I don’t even let myself get to know many people, other than on a friend-level. It’s just too dangerous. I tried, for a while, but I’ve finally, recently, admitted that I haven’t put in active effort on trying-to-date for some time now. Almost a year. I’ve been divorced for two years. I really did try at first, in the early days. What I’ve actually been doing lately is fooling myself by putting in active effort on proving-to-myself-who-and-why-I-shouldn’t-date. At least now I realize what I’d been doing.
But maybe that’s okay for now. Maybe, as my therapist said today, it’s okay to be in a sort of stagnant, holding-pattern, because I’m “conserving energy” right now. It’s like I’m hypermiling, just trying to make it through to the next gas station, until I can figure out who I really am and what I want. Whenever that is…?