I’m taking a break from online dating. Again. I was supposed to be out on a first-meet/date right now, but I cancelled it two days ago (Monday) because I realized I just wasn’t feeling a connection with this guy.
I’d met him on Plenty of Fish. (Oh, yes, did I mention I’m now on 3 dating sites – Match, Zoosk, and PoF? A guy at work told me that’s how he’d met his gf, by being on those 3 sites, all at once. So a week ago today I quickly joined the one I was lacking.) I mean, he was nice… maybe? sort of? …and he met my age, height, and geographic requirements, so I agreed to meet him.
But there was this disconnect. Even though we texted 1-2x a day, it was never anything that made me feel like I really knew him. I told myself this was fine, and that maybe we’d really hit it off when we met in person. After all, how many times have I had great conversations online, only to discover that there’s no spark once we meet, right? It’s the biggest pitfall of online dating: if you “meet” someone great, the only guarantee is that they’re a great online communicator.
Frequently, it seems – for whatever reason – I run up against the issue that I trade cell phone numbers with a guy online… and then he never texts me. Since I’m not the kind of girl who will text first, those relationships die. I’m okay with that. If he’s not interested enough to take the simple, next step of texting me, then I’m not interested in wasting emotional energy on him. And this guy had not only started texting me, but he’d continued.
The problem, though, was exactly that: my emotional energy.
Last Sunday (3 days ago), I spent the afternoon/early evening in the ER with my 17 y.o. daughter, who was having lower-right abdominal pain. We were worried it might be appendicitis. So were the ER docs. Flash-forward two ultrasounds and a CT scan later… it was a strained muscle. And a lot of gas (*whew!*) — last time she orders pizza from that place. (Augh! Kids! :D) During my downtime, while my daughter was having those tests, PoF-guy texted me. I texted back and told him what was going on. He responded, was politely empathetic. It was kind of nice/kind of weird to share my fears with someone I didn’t really know.
But the next night I was dealing with a fight between my girls (the 17 y.o. and the 10 y.o.) and some other crap going on with my ex (who is now infringing on my time with our kids – totally against the divorce agreement, totally steamed about that – not going to blog about it any more, but you “get” my stress-level), and PoF-guy texted me: “In like 48 I get to meet you!” I saw the screen flash, thought it was nice that he was hyped, but couldn’t take time away from mediating my daughters’ very high-strung discussion. (I think we made some good headway.) Two hours later, at around 8:15, he texted me again: “48 hours. Lol.” I was still dealing with my very-chatty 10 y.o., and was still emotionally exhausted from my weekend, but wanted to be polite. I texted back: “Woohoo! :)” Then, a half-hour later, he texts again: “How’s your evening? No ER visits I hope.” Now, this, in-and-of-itself, is an innocuous text, which demonstrates interest in me and my life, from a nice guy.
However, given the other emotional stresses I was under, the text, coupled with the other two (same) texts (“48 hours!”), were a cry for attention from someone who was emotionally needy, and I lost it. I mean, who was this guy, anyway? He’d completely ignored the gluten- and dairy-allergies I’d mentioned in my profile, and he’d picked a restaurant at which I could eat literally NOTHING on the menu! (And I was afraid of seeming too fussy by suggesting another restaurant.) And when he’d asked my work schedule, and I’d said I got off at 5 and could be there by 6, he said, “Okay, [this restaurant] at 6:30.” (?!?) We’d already verified that he both worked and lived very nearby, so I didn’t understand the time-lag, and again, I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t want to seem too fussy. But inside, I was like, “What am I going to do for 30 minutes? Go home, throw my mail on the counter, and run back out the door?”
I looked up his profile again, decided he was NOT cute, and WHAT was I thinking, and OMg I do NOT have the emotional energy to be able to GIVE to another person — WHY IS HE TEXTING ME THIS MUCH WHEN I’M WITH MY KIDS?!?!!! — and I spent the next 20 minutes taking my makeup off, getting ready for bed, crafting a “cancel” response in my head, deciding that online dating was a ridiculous substitute for meeting real, live people — whom I most likely would never have come across in the normal course of my life — and there’s GOT to be a better way!!!
So I canceled my date for tonight. I was polite about it, acknowledging that I just don’t have the energy to meet new people right now. (He was like, “Yeah, whatever, I’m done with online dating.”) The next morning I felt relieved about having canceled the date. I then “hid” my profiles on Match and PoF. Zoosk wouldn’t let me do this (I hate this site; I do not recommend Zoosk), so I figured out how to at least unlink it from my Facebook profile (that part was soooo annoying), and then I felt better.
I feel sort of bad, because I was kind of in-discussions with a few guys whom I’ve left hanging, but I just don’t have the energy to deal with anyone else right now. I don’t have my kids this weekend, so I’m sure I’ll regain my energy. But then I’ll have them back, and it will go away again. I need a relationship that doesn’t make me lose energy. In fact, I think I should just sit back and wait for God to drop down someone who can figure out how to fit himself into my life. Maybe that kind of person would actually give me energy, instead of draining it. In the meantime, I need some rest….