The Rules #11: If it’s Plug-and-Play, it isn’t a real relationship. It’s you, avoiding yourself.

 

the-rules-11-post-divorce

This one might seem a bit harsh. Oh, well. (Sorry?) I’ve got nothing new going on in my life, so I’m back to dishing out my own perspective. (On the other hand, I’ve got a few blog posts backed up inside me. Time to get them out. 😉 ) On this Rule I gotta say, I’ve met a lot of guys in the above boat, and I just don’t understand it. How can anyone go from a long-term marriage, straight into another “big relationship” with no serious, personal-assessment period? Okay, yeah, I know – everyone jumps into the water and “dates” right after divorce. It’s kind of a rite of passage. But going right into the next long-term thing, no downtime, like it’s plug-and-play? No way. If you don’t stop and figure out what went wrong, and admit that you’ve changed, you’ll make the exact same mistakes as before. Simple math, right? (This is why I won’t even give a second thought to dating guys who are separated, and not yet divorced. Tried that once – got fooled into it – thought he was divorced, at first. Tried to be open-minded. Turned out to be a bad situation.) The point is: something was f-u-n-d-a-m-e-n-t-a-l-l-y wrong in your marriage, and you’ve got to figure out why you went down that road. And also: what road do YOU want to take in the future? (i.e. Who are you? Hard question, I know!)

Full disclosure: I’ve got a bit of a personal stake in believing that this is all correct and true. I was “replaced” before my divorce was even final. It stung. *understatement* And they’re still together. All in all, I don’t really care – we weren’t right for each other, among other things. My ego, however, would like to believe that it would’ve taken more time for someone to whom I was faithfully married for 22 years to get over no longer having me in his life. Guess I didn’t really impact him that much. Or… maybe he’s like those other guys I’ve met, who haven’t ever woken up and stopped to figure out who they are, and plug-and-play is the easy way to avoid doing the tough, uncomfortable work of taking a long, hard look at yourself. Hmmmm….?

I may never know the answer to what was in my ex’s head. But I’ve taken the long, winding path to figuring out what’s in mine. And I’d be lying if I told you I hadn’t changed as a result. I’m a different person now than I was, on the path that led to my divorce. Hugs to my fellow truth-seekers; peace to those of you still struggling to wake up – fight for it, even when you’re scared. You’re worth it! 🙂

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2 thoughts on “The Rules #11: If it’s Plug-and-Play, it isn’t a real relationship. It’s you, avoiding yourself.

  1. I totally agree here! You know to me, I have been on this long winding road myself when it comes to relationships over the years, and I have always taken the appropriate time to heal and re-evaluate (i.e figure out what I personally did to contribute to the break-up) A lot of people don’t do that unfortunately. I think that you have some very wise advice here and I hope it doesn’t fall on deaf ears. I love your insights and even though we are on different paths in life at different times in our lives, ultimately we want the same thing, to find true love and be happy. So cheers to that girl! I am with you in your struggle! 🙂

    • Thank you so much for your support, SW! And thank you for seeing the common thread we all have, that I was trying to explain in this post. You are definitely one of the Truth-Seekers out there. One day we’ll each find our happy place. 🙂

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