In the Land of Losers: Vol 2

Yup, there are more of these guys out there. So now it’s mid-February and, due to kid-weekends, plus spending a “free” (non-kid) weekend with the Flu, it’s my first weekend out since the night involving Ass Grab Loser (from my last post). And it’s Girls’ Night Out. (*For those of you who’ve been following my story, my annulment had just come through. I got the letter in the mail on Monday, January 30. By the following Friday night I was sick as a dog. I watched the Superbowl that weekend, popping Tamiflu. I never get sick. I think – and my therapist agrees – that I was so relieved to have the annulment come through that I “relaxed” all my defenses… and got sick. Also, I’ve had a bit of a life-change, due to the fact that my 20 y.o. son began living with me, full-time, in January. I love him with all my heart, but it’s been a bit of an adjustment. More on all this in another post. Back to February….)

A new gf had invited a bunch of us to karaoke night at a local dive bar. As long as I don’t have to sing, I’m in. (GNO! Woohoo!) There are pool tables at this place, and I learn that my gf is a bit of a shark. Now, I’m no shark, but I enjoy pool, so I’m down for a game or two. Despite having recently been sick, I’ve managed to “clean up” decently – black tee, skinny jeans, black moto jacket, black boots, messy hair. I’m totally ready for a fun night with the girls. Early on, my gf points out a guy who she thinks is kind of hot – the one in the red shirt. He’s playing shuffleboard at a table adjacent to our pool table, and she’s flirting with him when she’s down there, taking a shot from that side. I check him out – he is totally not my type. For starters, he’s a bit too old for me – maybe in his late 50s, early 60s. And he has a beard. But she’s into him. C’est la vie, c’est l’amour. Okay, cool – I will totally be her wing-chick. But first, I need a drink. I go to the bar, wait five minutes in line, get a drink, and return. The game begins.

According to a recent study, most women seem to prefer men with facial hair. I am not one of those women.

When it’s my turn to go down to that side of the pool table to take my shot, the red-shirted guy says hey, and then comments on my pool-stance in a friendly/flirty way. I laugh and tell him that’s because I have no idea what I’m doing – but she does (I point at my gf). Then I focus, take my shot, miss (of course), and go back to the other side of the table. About five minutes (and two of her sunk-balls) later, I go back down the table to take another shot. Again, Red Shirt comments on my “sexy” pool-stance. (I’m wearing boots and have to lean over the table to take my shot.) His comments make me uncomfortable, as (a) I’m not trying to be sexy (I’m trying to win!), and (b) he seems to be flirting with me, and I haven’t “put anything out there” toward him – my gf has. So I take my shot, straighten up, and loudly declare how I don’t really know what I’m doing, but my friend is such an amazing player. “In fact,” I say to him, “she’s our queen!” I feel good about this, and the game goes forward in this fashion, with me continuing to “throw sunshine” (opposite of throwing shade, right?) at my gf, and she sinking all of her balls, plus the 8-ball shortly thereafter. Game over.

I take a break to go to the bar. I wait another five minutes in line, finally get a drink, and return. A pair of younger guys (late-20s/early 30s) approach us and want to play. My gf says sure, but let’s do doubles, so she splits us up into partner-teams. (“Um, hello? I’m not that good…?”) The game starts.

The young guys are relaxed and funny, and I’m actually playing well. Fortunately, I’m paired with the guy who is the better player of the two, and we’re having a lot of fun (i.e. winning). About halfway through the game, I’m down on the shuffleboard side of the table, and Red Shirt guy saunters over. He leans over while I’m taking a shot.

“Must be a real feather in your cap to have those younger guys hitting on you, eh?”

Huh?!?

Sooooo many things wrong with that, dude…!

It’s one of those WTF moments, where several answers are sparring in my brain to get to be said: everything from defensive: “They’re not actually hitting on us, we’re all just having fun,” to condescending: “Oh, sugar, you  have no idea – I get hit on by 20-somethings all the time, in the most obnoxious ways!” to defensive (again): “I’m not actually into younger guys. In fact, they’re a turnoff for me, because I’m a mom,” to angry/offensive: “‘Must be a real feather in my cap?’ Oh, really? Must it? Because you know what’s in my head?!?” to incredulous/affronted: “Are you seriously going to sit here and give me passive-aggressive attitude, and pout about how I’m not flirting back with you, and in the meantime pass up the chance to get to be with my beautiful-fun-feisty gf, who, for God-knows-what reason, actually likes you?” I run the gamut from wanting to explode to wanting to smack this guy. Instead, I take a breath, decide this guy’s not worth it, and go the least-incendiary route with my response:

“It’s the mom-vibe. Younger guys pick up on it and feel comfortable around me.”

Oh, snap! I’ve just been modest and put him in his place at the same time. Double-snap! (Maybe that’s not hip anymore, but it fits.)

I walk away and don’t even know if the guy exists for the rest of the evening. The next night I tell my gf what he said, and she is then sooooo glad she didn’t waste extra energy on him, either. Hey, Red Shirt Loser Guy: if this were a Star Trek episode, you’d have died off with no one to mourn you. Maybe consider revamping your attitude – on life, and on women.

Aziz Ansari is my dating twin (?!?)

So I went out with this guy a while back. Nice guy, I really liked him. But after our one date, he never texted me again. I tried texting him a few weeks later, like “Hey, how’s it going?” His response was tepid. So I was like, okay, guess it just didn’t work for you. Ouch, but fair enough. Never heard from him again. Until….

Flash forward another six weeks — eight weeks after our one-and-only date — and out of the blue he texts me: How’s it going? Uh, fine, how’s it going with you? Fine. Like that wasn’t weird at all. He kept texting, about nothing specific, and I kept responding politely, but the whole time I was like, What’s going on, here?

The next day, he texted me again. Same story — nothing specific to say, just wanted to shoot the breeze. The day after, same thing again.

So after three days of this how’s-the-weather business, I decide to cut to the chase. I texted him: Look, dude. I really, really liked you, but you kind of dropped me like a hot potato after that one date we went on, so I kind of don’t understand why you’re texting me now.

There was a pause. And then:

Oh, wow, I’m really sorry about the hot-potato thing. But I just really like talking to you. Is it okay if I still text you?

Huh?

Okay, I guess.

So he did. A lot. He texted me almost every single day for about the next six weeks, in a quantity of texting that I’ve never had except with guys who were interested in dating me. I was kind of okay with this, because I was still kind of into him. But it was confusing, too, because he wasn’t even close to asking me out. In fact, I could never get the conversation to go anywhere. For instance, one Saturday night I made it clear that I had no plans, and I was going to “snuggle in and watch a movie.” He wanted to know what movie. I said I didn’t know, had to check out what was on PPV, and he texted his opinions on movies I’d list. Finally, I settled on “The Martian,” and he said, Oh, that sounds good! I want to see that! So I took a chance and responded: LOL – you could just come over and watch it with me! He didn’t answer. Until the next day, when he said, Sorry I didn’t respond last night. I fell asleep.

Okay, whatever. I’d sent that text at 8:17 pm….

Another time there was a really great band I was going to see at a local venue, and he texted to ask what I was up to. So I told him and asked what he was doing. He said he was just hanging out, visiting at his parents’ house. I said he should leave and come see the band. He declined. So I all-but-begged (Come on! It’ll be fun! Besides, I need someone to rescue me from all the guys hitting on me. Just kidding – it’s not Walmart! 😉 ), and he never responded. Gee….

I figured he was lonely, or going through some sort of midlife-crisis, so I tried the raw-and-real approach to get him to open up, as a friend. Look, it’s obvious you’re going through something right now. But I’ve been through a few things, myself, and I’ve seen how dark the shadows can be, too. If you ever want to talk — really talk — I’m right here. He never responded to those texts, either.

I couldn’t figure this guy out, one way or another. I began dubbing him Ft. Knox in my head. I asked my male teammates at work what they thought of Ft. Knox’s behavior, and they were just like, “Huh? He’s texting you that much and doesn’t even ask you out? That guy makes no sense.” I asked my girlfriends; they didn’t understand it either.

Finally, one guy, who’s like a brother to me (and isn’t afraid to let me know what he’s really thinking), said, “I know what’s going on! You’re his Available-To-Text person, who makes him look good in front of other people!”

Whaaa…?

“And that’s all he wants you for! Look,” my friend said. “This:”

I watched the clip, and realized: Crap. My friend is right. I’m Available-To-Text Chick. I’m Aziz Ansarietta!

Crap!

Well, at least I’m in good company.