The thing that eventually happens when I’m meeting all these guys who, on paper, are perfect for me, and yet to whom I’m not attracted, is that you know I’m going to come across a guy to whom I am attracted. And he, of course, will be completely wrong for me.
I went dancing last night with my friends. It felt so good to cut loose on the dance floor! But the Universe was still teaching me lessons….
My Philosopher-nature has been given carte blanche for a while to try to go about the process of culling from databases, and weeding out ones that don’t match what I want. Right height, right age, college degree, non-smoker, bit of a geek, self-aware…. But when I’m sitting here all dead-inside, trying to intellectualize a relationship, and then Mr. Hot-and-Sexy-Wrong walks past…. The Animal sits up and takes notice. And then tries to take over. You can only cage a wild thing for so long. (No, I did not have sex, and I wouldn’t blog about it, if I did. But still–DAY-um! 😉 )
Here’s my problem: there are 2 categories of men in my life–ones I’ve dated, and ones I’m friends with. I’ve never had a guy in both categories at the same time. I’m terrified of emotional intimacy–it’s not “safe.” I do let some of my closer friends in, but it happens very gradually, over time. Trust takes a long time to build, and I don’t have to worry about physical intimacy with them. Conversely, I have a tendency to avoid emotional intimacy with guys in physically intimate situations. But that is not a recipe for a good relationship. Chemical attraction only gets you so far. Plus, it’s disrespectful to both parties. (Yeah, I know: emotional detachment in physical relationships — I sound like a guy! 😀 ) What I want this time around–what I fantasize about–is having both. Being able to be physically intimate with someone I already trust emotionally. Respect, cherish, desire, love. That’s how it’s supposed to go. In other words, I need to find the right person to help me balance the Philosopher and the Animal. Do you think he’s out here, on this river-current?